2/12/2021 1 Comment Allow me to reintroduce mysElf Some of you may know me. Some of you may think you know me. Some of you may have known me. Or you're my mom and in this one specific case then you really do know me. But if you knew me in high school, hell if you even knew me in December then you no longer know me. I know what you’re thinking, “BARF. One of those cringe new year new me posts”. I won’t lie, I have said that eye-roll worthy line in the past. But, this time is different, no seriously I mean it this time. (Another line I’ve said before).
You see I didn’t even bother to say that this past New Year’s Eve, I didn’t even let myself think it. If I’m being really real I actually thought, “Great new year same bull”. To my pleasant surprise, this was not the case. It just happened, on its own, finally. January was one of the best months I’ve had in a few years. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had good days, good weeks, some high highs, but this month was different. Since 2012 I’ve been drowning, barely hanging on, unsure I’d even make it to the next month, and honestly, I wasn’t sure if I even wanted to. The pain I felt from my “friends” abandoning me, the anger I had from the betrayal of my old “best friend”, the trauma from my ex, it was just gone. When I say I was shook I mean I was legit SHOOK. You mean to tell me after at least six years of these HEAVY feelings they’re just gone??! On a random day in January?! “Time heals everything”. BLAH! LIES! I hated that saying and I definitely didn’t believe it. The problem was I thought in a week, maybe a month it would all be gone. I honestly think this may have prevented me from being truly healed. It also took a lot of maturing and growing to look back at my past and realize how traumatic it really was for a 12-18 year-old girl to go through this. So, because I did not understand how bad things were I assumed the healing would come quick but once I did understand how bad things were I understood that the healing was going to be long, scary, lonely, & dark. January was different, it wasn’t so heavy. I didn’t just want to change, I was motivated to, I had my power back. Trust me, things aren’t done, bettering yourself never is. But now, I feel peace and my heart doesn’t hurt and my eyes don’t water when I listen to a specific song or drive past a specific place. There are no more urges of wondering how they’re doing, wondering if they regret hurting me if they’re sorry. I’ve tried so hard not to be toxic, unproblematic, dramatic, crazy, all things they made me believe I was. I tried so hard to be happy, unbothered, and positive. I’m not trying anymore, I AM happy, positive, and unbothered. Time finally did its thing, now it’s time for me to do mine. I thought I needed their sincere apologies for closure. In reality what I needed was to forgive myself for allowing people to treat me that way. I needed to remember my worth. I needed to fall back in love with myself, with life. I’m not proud of the person I allowed them to turn me into. For those who did know me, if I hurt you, if I was the toxic thing in your life, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that girl hurt you. I’m sorry chaos seemed to follow her. And for those who have gone through this, forgive yourself, love yourself. You need yourself more than anyone. No one needs to save you, you are capable of saving yourself. Don’t rush your process, your healings will come. Keep going, keep fighting. For those who knew me, the girl you had in your life is gone. Bury her. You don’t know me anymore. The depression and the anxiety it’s all still here, but its fuel is running low and the flames aren’t as high. So please, let me reintroduce myself. I am Karisma Alyssa Figueroa. I’m so happy to be here. I’m glad you’re here too. I hope you stay awhile, because the girl forming is going to be amazing. Till next time. Cheers bitches.
1 Comment
Yesenia
2/12/2021 11:07:55 am
❤️❤️❤️
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AuthorHi, I’m Karisma Figueroa! I’m 22 and live in sunny southern California . I’ve created my blog to share my story, in the hopes to inspire girls just like me. I love a good cup of coffee, a fire fit, self care, and bettering myself. I’m a college student majoring in psychology. I absolutely love psych and take pride in being a mental health advocate. So grab your blue light glasses, an ice coffee and enjoy the show! ArchivesCategories |